Patong Beach, Phuket, Thailand. Saturday 5-3-09

Pretty sure that 'Patong' is Thai for either 'Scandinavian' or 'get your tits out' - both seem to apply to this packed tourist destination. We came here intending to relax by the beach all day, our first beach in two and a half weeks and our last until Germany (using 'beach' very loosely). Patong is as touristy as Kaho San Road, with the added bonus of 50-something overweight Europeans of lavish resort holidays. The tourist information booths and taxi drivers almost outnumber the tourists though.
The natural beauty of the beach is stunning - a sweeping sandy bay facing west, hills on either end and islands in the distance. It would be nice if all the people upped and left, but that's highly unlikely. The sand if packed with sun chairs and umbrellas; sunburnt walruses getting their boobs out for some vitamin D. Hawkers strut up and down with their wares, and ladies yell their nasal 'maaaassssaagggeeee', as if saying it for longer will make you agree. It is a lovely place, but it makes us appreciate Australia's natural beauty and our pristine and deserted beaches. Patong is a tourist destination, with an international airport thirty minutes away, and every facility a holidaying couple, or a bucks party, would want. Unfortunately we will not have time to discover if all of Thailand's beaches are like this, as we fly to Beijing from Kuala Lumpur in a week. We hope to get to Ko Phi Phi for a taste of island life before making our way to KL.
We arrived in Phuket Province, actually an island attached to the mainland by a bridge, at 10.30 on Thursday night, after another epic 30-hour journeys from Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand. First, a 14-hour sleeper train to Bangkok - with only second class fan available, which should definitely by called third class. The doors between the carriages couldn't close so it was noisy the whole time. 'Fan' also means window, which can close except for about a foot. As it was so hot (it was a 3pm departure), we left the windows open, so dust, bugs, stinky fire air (smoke?) all came in and settled through the carriage. I had the bottom sleep, and half of it was broken and a spring was sprung. The lights in our berths didn't work, and the main lights in the carriage flickered on and off. I resigned to reading Harry Potter by torchlight, trying to make myself super sleepy. We arrived in Bangkok an hour and a half late, but luckily still had time to get a feed, have a bit of a train station wash, before boarding the 8.05 to Surat Thani. Although it was only seats, thankfully it was aircon, clean and comfortable. We even got breakfast and lunch!45 minutes late to Surat Thani, but we managed to hassle a taxi driver (who am I kidding - they pounced) and we got a 6pm 'minivan' to Phuket town, four hours away. This was the type of travel that gets us down - the whole way I was forming a stern e-mail in my mind: "Dear Sir, when you see us, and notice that we are taller than your average Thai or tourist, please could you mention that your minivan is made for midgets, and will not depart unless every seat is filled, and every space filled with luggage. Also, please add on at least an hour to expected travel time. Also, if you bothered to purchase a van with individual reading lights, why not maintain them? Also, perhaps some kind of seating system whereby short people are assigned to the seats with less leg room might be a good idea. Kind regards, tall disgruntled passengers. PS, when you say you stop at the bus station, please take us to the bus station, now some dodgy alleyway where we don't know where we are, only to be hounded by motorcycle taxi drivers." The joys of long distance travel. But it did only cost us about $60 each for a cross-country journey. Knackered, we settled on the nearest hotel for $20, found food and beer, and slept.
The next day we walked around Phuket town, a nice city, with one-way streets, lots of 'Sino-Portugese' architecture and crumbling terrace houses. We checked into the cheaper On On Hotel, used as a set in The Beach...room 38 in fact. We were room 41. I could smell the remnants of Leo. Oh, wait, no. That was the squat toilet, the stagnant drainage system and the mould of the ceiling. Letting us down Leo. It is a beautiful, big old building and a shame to see it so decrepit.
After the midday heat, we walked to Phuket Bay, almost getting lost. Friday night is market night, and the whole bay was packed with locals - refreshingly, we didn't see any other white people there. There was a lovely park by the water overlooking the bay and islands, and what could have been a beach at high tide but was now just mud flats. There were lots of families out exercising and having dinner on the grass in the sunset. We partook in local twice deep fried seafood - fish, prawns (shells and all), anchovies (we think) and deep fried frankfurt. Yummo. We walked back into town and found a bar near our hotel for beer, got second dinners, met the loosest American (half-Norweigan, he insisted) on valium, and had a early night. Well, intended to, if everyone hadn't been so noisy and the walls hadn't been made out of cardboard and if they had gone from the floor to the ceiling.
Wanting to beat the midday heat, we left town at about 8.30 am, and got the public bus to Patong. Nothing here is cheap, so we settled on $20 a night for a really nice room - aircon, TV, shower and huge bed. Tonight, a night on the town. Maybe a ping pong show, we don't know if we'll have time...